I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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