Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
We had to coat check the pizza.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.