"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
