Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
