I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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