I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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