the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
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we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
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Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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