my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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