why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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