his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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