i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
