You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
