I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
