am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i dont even know how to be here
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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