and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
How's work?
Spinning.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
