There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
