Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
