i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
