he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
