I didn't shave. On purpose
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
