I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
