i already hear my dad disowning me
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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