somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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