Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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