I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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