Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
