i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
