talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
