Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
