I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp