i can't believe i had my finger in that
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
