Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
