I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
