I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
