$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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