Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
