My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
