And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
