If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
