Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
