so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
