I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
