i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
