I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
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When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
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One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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