He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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