omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
