sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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