CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
