I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
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My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
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No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Dick very happy bro
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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