she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
