His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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