It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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