Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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