maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
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