tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
