I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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