and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
