when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
