When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
did i just pee glitter
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