so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
